Dealing with Difficult People

"In our own ways, we are all difficult people."

As kids, there is always at least one kid that we don't get along with. Some of the advice we might have been given to deal with them include:

• Be nice or kill them with kindness.
• Ignore them.
• Stand up to them and they will leave you alone.
• Don't worry, they will get what's coming to them.
• Go find an adult to help you.

While this all seems like great advice, it doesn't always work well when we do these things, especially when we are adults. Instead what happens is we avoid them, fake our feelings, take on the behaviors of the bully, hope for them to fail, and/or wait for someone to rescue us. While the person that gave us this advice meant well, we never learned how to do deal with a difficult person.

So now that we laid the groundwork that everything we learned as kids about dealing with a difficult people is wrong, what exactly do we do?

Drop the difficult label.

The first step in learning to deal with difficult people is to decide that the person is not difficult. Instead, recognize that difficult is actually a judgment we create. That person probably has friends or people that do not view them as difficult or think they are the greatest people in the world. When we use the word difficult to label someone, we begin to treat the person differently which makes it harder to connect with them. By dropping this label, it allows more possibility for connection and even understanding.

Accept them where they are.

I remember having a manager that I did not get along with. They did not listen to me and whenever I had a suggestion to improve a process, he would shoot me down. I took everything personally like there was something wrong with me and that my suggestions were stupid. I just wanted him to be nicer in his delivery or be a better manager who was more empathetic. However, my wanting him to be different was making me miserable at work and also creating self-doubt in myself. We have no control over what other people do or don't do, but we can accept them for who they are and where they are in life.

Believe that they are responsible for their behaviors, feelings, and actions.

One of the most powerful decisions of my life happened about five months ago when I decided that I am no longer responsible for other people's behaviors, feelings, and actions. This approach has given me to become more compassionate and less attached to what they do or don't do. While it has been very helpful for my friends and family, where it has been powerful has been for dealing with difficult people. Because you are not responsible for what they do, it is easier to be less reactive and more present with them no matter what they are doing. 

Decide they cannot hurt you.

One of my favorite quotes from Eleanor Roosevelt is that "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission." While I have been a huge fan of this quote, I didn't really understand this until recently. If you think about people like Victor Frankl, Elizabeth Smart, and Nelson Mandela just to name a few, they have experienced hardships during their lives beyond many of our imaginations. Yet, if you pay attention to their message it is about deciding that others cannot hurt them. You do not need to go through something traumatic for this to be accessible to you. Just simply decide that no one can hurt you without your permission.

Show up authentically as yourself.

A common thing that people do when dealing with a difficult person is not showing up authentically as themselves. They might take on the behaviors of the other person or become withdrawn. It doesn't have to be this way. You can be who you are even when interacting with a difficult person. Even if the person talks louder than you, doesn't listen to you, or whatever else. By being authentic, we invite the difficult person in to see us for who we really are, instead of a shadow or mask. Who knows, it could lead the difficult person to becoming your new best friend.

If you are struggling with difficult people in your life, I can help. Sign up for your free consultation today.