Toxic Guilt

Guilt is emotion from feeling like an action we did wronged someone or hurt them. Under normal circumstances it is a motivator to apologize and make amends. But what happens with you have guilt not because you did something necessarily wrong?

In nursing it could look like:

- Telling a coworker no to switching a shift.

- Not answering the phone when the unit was short staffed and you didn't want to work.

- Calling in sick because you need a mental health day.

- Said no to staying over and working a sixteen hour shift.

- Not passing a medication that was due at the change of shift. 

- Feeling like you abandoned your coworkers and patients for accepting the job that was a better fit for you.

- Working remotely while other people are on the frontlines.

In short, toxic guilt.

Toxic guilt is when you judge your thoughts, feelings, or actions and determine that they make you a bad person. Even if you did something that for your best interest, toxic guilt makes you question if you are  just being selfish. I see a lot in nurses who believe their value is determined in the ability to give and take care of others. So when they do something to take care of themselves, they experience shame and think they are a "bad person."

So how do you stop toxic guilt?

Here are my top three tips:

Tip #1: Have your own back on every decision you make.

Everything in your life is due to decisions you have made. Even if it did not necessarily get you where you wanted, you made the best decision for you with the best knowledge you had at the time. Give yourself grace and even if it's not perfect, believe that you made the best decision for you.

Tip #2: Challenge your thoughts.

From personal experience, guilt comes from thoughts about actions and usually turns into things like "I am an idiot" "I am not doing enough" etc. When my brain starts going down the rabbit hole of how bad I am as a person, I will challenge my thoughts and say something like: 

"I can be a good person and can still (insert the action)."
"I am doing exactly what I am meant to be doing."

Tip #3: Believe you are deserving of self-compassion and love for yourself. 

This one can be a hard one for people who struggle with self-love but it is a powerful one. It is easy to be mean to yourself, but beating yourself up for feeling an emotion is not an act of self-compassion or self-kindness. Instead I invite you to think of the guilty part of yourself as being you as a child who needs the love and compassion you give to others.

I believe in you and all your possibilities.

Mary B.

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