My mentor and friend, Carol.
I would like to share with you the story about one of my mentors named Carol. We first met in the fall of 2006 at a children psychiatric facility where I had accepted a per diem job. Carol was in her 70s when we met and still working as a nurse. She had trained at the Brooklyn School of Nursing in the early 1950s. Her life has been an adventure of working in a variety of settings, but her favorite story was how she worked in the Bronx during the late 70s and early 80s as a social worker.
The facility had two or three nurses on during the day and evening shifts. Carol and I worked evenings and were frequently together. She had a special grandmother energy and the kids loved her. Although she was past the age of retirement, she loved what she did. During that first year of nursing, she was my rock not only professionally but also personally. I was going through a difficult transition at this time of my life and to say I was a hot mess was putting it lightly. She became my work mom and I was her daughter. Although I left that facility after a year to go work in a hospital, we remained close and would have weekly phone calls that would be over an hour. She would tell me how she was proud of me and how I was too smart.
In 2011, Carol was diagnosed with cancer and in 2012, she was moved into a hospice facility in Florida near her family. I was able to surprise visit her with the help of her family and spend a few of the last days of her life with her. I remember vividly watching The Help and listened to Gospel music. After that day, she became unresponsive and passed away almost a week later. My heart was broken. I had lost my first mentor and my rock in nursing. I grieved for Carol for months and even feel her loss as I write this post.
After a mentor passes away or leaves, it can be really hard to get your footing again. I was emotionally a wreck and didn't know what to do with my grief. Here were some of my biggest learnings in dealing with the loss of my mentor.
Allow yourself space to grieve.
Allowing yourself the space to grieve is essential for self-care when mourning. When Carol passed away as I was preparing to move to California for a travel assignment. I was frantically trying to empty out my apartment, say good-bye to friends, and get everything together for my move. What I really needed was space to just be alone and be sad. Because I didn't recognize this, I lost my temper a few times during this process and was easily frustrated/overwhelmed by the stuff that needed to get done.
Take ownership of your needs around grief.
I was 26 years old when Carol passed and one of the things I really struggled with that I thought a lot of my friends didn't get how much the death of my mentor impacted me. I wanted a quiet evening in and they wanted to cheer me up by going out. I didn't tell them what I needed, went out, and regretted it.
People are not going to automatically be aware of your grief needs and since we all grieve differently, they might not understand your needs. Instead of expecting them to read your mind, you need to communicate exactly what you need. By expecting people to just show up and be the support you want, it just turns into suffering when they don't deliver.
Create a way to honor/remember your mentor.
She was special to me and will always have a place in my heart. I can even hear her voice to this day telling me she's proud of me. How I honor and remember her is by sharing her story, the nurse who loved what she did so much that even retirement couldn't keep her away. Carol will always be a part of me and my nursing practice because she helped set the foundations of my nursing career.
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